I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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