Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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