Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
