I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
