wakey wakey hands off snakey
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
