I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
