someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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