god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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