Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
