dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize