it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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