I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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