I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
