And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
