That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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