I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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