my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
