Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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