my mouth tastes like poor choices
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I cut my penus on the lid.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
