i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
