Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
