the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He passed out mid-signature
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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