there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Nicole vs. Life
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
