On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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