Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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