well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
