Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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