I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You ate ashes out of my bong
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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