I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
