You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
