I could make wine with my vomit
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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