Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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