Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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