i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
