I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
