I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
