Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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