everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize