No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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