he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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