He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
