It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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