She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
