Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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