This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
