My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
