Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
