I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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