She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
And then he peed in my hair
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