so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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