I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
