The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
