Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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