Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
